Goodbye old friend and hello, anxiety!

My last flatmate just left and he’s moving to a different country. Incidentally, he will be my last friend in the city. I just realized that I’m probably never going to see him again. Man! after staying together for 6 years… I am all alone now, in an empty three bedroom apartment with so many memories, while hunting for a different apartment.

There’s a thought that’s been bothering me for sometime. I’ve lived in a few cities but never could consider any one of them a “home”. A home would be a city that I knew inside out. A home would be a place where I could count on seeing familiar people everyday – the same flatmates, friends, the friendly barber who recognizes you, the old man and his dog across the street. Have you seen those tv shows where characters regularly show up at the local coffee shop or pub and everybody there knows them?

Maybe I should get the heck out of this city and search for a place which is “home” for me. Maybe I did not do enough to make that happen for me here. Where do I go from here?

Being alone is a strange thing. I’ve given up on the fantasy that anyone is going to fall head over heels for me. I have few really good friends though, but none nearby. I really can’t socialize, plus I’m an introvert. That’s a really great combo sometimes. I’m really lost aren’t I? Why don’t they teach socializing in school? Seems like the only thing that you would remember or actually apply in adult life.

Aspie rant

Today I asked someone to “please” not to spam to my email inbox. They responded back rudely, rather unusual considering that person was a “Program Manager”, whose entire job depends on communication skills. What sent me in a spiral was the remark that I was “strange and weird”. Of course, like always I keep myself “normal, calm and composed”.

Everybody sees me as the guy who avoids social situations and doesn’t talk to anyone. The guy who sits with headphones on throughout the work day. The guy who eats lunch alone at 3 PM when nobody else is around. I’ve gotten comments from every manager I have worked with, that I am very good technically and very detailed in analyzing problems, but should talk more around people.

I’ve met a thousand people in my company. Believe me, I’ve looked for signs, there is no one else like me here. One in sixty eight? Is everybody good at faking it or did they not make it here? I’m not ready to become a corporate poster boy.

Just don’t remind me that I am different, because I did not ask to be. Its hard enough leaving the safe confines of my room every morning, dragging myself to the office, telling myself to maintain eye contact during every conversation and not to lose focus every five minutes because some people decided that they needed to have a discussion literally one feet away from my desk. Mirroring helps for maintaining conversations. Initiating one is a completely different beast to tackle.

I am happy to have come this far by just identifying and adapting to situations. I am lucky to be in the right career and right mindset. Just not in the right country, I guess.

2018

This is it folks! This is MY year, right here.

Not even kidding, I GOT THIS.

Have you ever woken up one day feeling that everything is possible again?

That you can clench your fists tightly again and feel a rush of strength in your body?

I have always thought that a better version of oneself silently exists within, constantly guiding and teaching right from wrong. I feel that I have to become that person now. Is this part of growing up? Am I just another snowflake spewing his own bullshit views over the internet. I don’t give a shit!

I must be growing up.

Sorry hollywood, but this is the real India. #rant

Here’s the deal… India is not a land of snake charmers. I have been living in India for the past 25 years (all my frickin’ life) and have seen exactly two snake charmers.

We are not all cab drivers or customer support or software engineers. Also, there is no language called “Indian”.

There is a growing resentment among Indians about the way India is portrayed in hollywood movies and about how the rest of the world perceives them. Continue reading “Sorry hollywood, but this is the real India. #rant”