Everything will be all right in the end… if it’s not all right then it’s not yet the end. – The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

She stood on the terrace of the fifty-five storeyed skyscraper looking at the city which looked colorless and lifeless to her. The sun had begun to set behind the dark clouds that had enveloped the city. The usual yellowish orange evening sky was nowhere to be found. In its place, a grey horizon. The cold winter wind hit her face mercilessly as if trying to freeze the tears that rolled down her cheeks.

She didn’t notice the first few drops of rain that fell on her, for she was numb. A sudden downpour followed. Her body ached with so much pain and sorrow that she felt it tiring to even stand. Her subconscious made a decision that was as sudden as the downpour and she didn’t notice it either. “There is no hope”, she thought in her mind as she stepped over the terrace with her eyes closed.

She was falling with her front facing the clouds when it happened. An intense desire to live scorched through her body, flowing under her skin and through her veins like hot water, warming her.

“NO, I WANT TO LIVE!” she screamed and as she opened her eyes, the dark clouds parted at the place her gaze fell on. She had stopped falling down with the rain drops by her side. Instead, she found herself flying towards the light that seeped through the gap in the clouds.

rays_of_hope

She woke up in peace and did not remember that she had dreamed. She was lying face down on her bed, with her face towards her bedroom window when she opened her eyes to see the dawn of a new day. The sunlight from the yellow sky gently fell on the wet window glass making it look stained and it was on her body like a warm blanket. She could almost smell the humid petrichor from the rain last night.

She turned her head to the other side. The room smelt of cigarette, vodka and beer from all the drinking last night. Her hand was lying on top of the tear smudged handwritten suicide note that she had been writing the previous night, before crying herself to sleep.

Her body felt relaxed and strong to get out of her bed. The fatigue that had tied her to the bed for days like an invisible rope, was gone. The feeling that you are broken inside and can never be put together again had vanished.

“A good night’s sleep is a magician”, she thought as she stood up, picked up the note, tore it into four pieces and threw it into the dustbin near the door.

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11 thoughts on “Self-Preservation

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