Goodbye old friend and hello, anxiety!

My last flatmate just left and he’s moving to a different country. Incidentally, he will be my last friend in the city. I just realized that I’m probably never going to see him again. Man! after staying together for 6 years… I am all alone now, in an empty three bedroom apartment with so many memories, while hunting for a different apartment.

There’s a thought that’s been bothering me for sometime. I’ve lived in a few cities but never could consider any one of them a “home”. A home would be a city that I knew inside out. A home would be a place where I could count on seeing familiar people everyday – the same flatmates, friends, the friendly barber who recognizes you, the old man and his dog across the street. Have you seen those tv shows where characters regularly show up at the local coffee shop or pub and everybody there knows them?

Maybe I should get the heck out of this city and search for a place which is “home” for me. Maybe I did not do enough to make that happen for me here. Where do I go from here?

Being alone is a strange thing. I’ve given up on the fantasy that anyone is going to fall head over heels for me. I have few really good friends though, but none nearby. I really can’t socialize, plus I’m an introvert. That’s a really great combo sometimes. I’m really lost aren’t I? Why don’t they teach socializing in school? Seems like the only thing that you would remember or actually apply in adult life.

Aspie rant

Today I asked someone to “please” not to spam to my email inbox. They responded back rudely, rather unusual considering that person was a “Program Manager”, whose entire job depends on communication skills. What sent me in a spiral was the remark that I was “strange and weird”. Of course, like always I keep myself “normal, calm and composed”.

Everybody sees me as the guy who avoids social situations and doesn’t talk to anyone. The guy who sits with headphones on throughout the work day. The guy who eats lunch alone at 3 PM when nobody else is around. I’ve gotten comments from every manager I have worked with, that I am very good technically and very detailed in analyzing problems, but should talk more around people.

I’ve met a thousand people in my company. Believe me, I’ve looked for signs, there is no one else like me here. One in sixty eight? Is everybody good at faking it or did they not make it here? I’m not ready to become a corporate poster boy.

Just don’t remind me that I am different, because I did not ask to be. Its hard enough leaving the safe confines of my room every morning, dragging myself to the office, telling myself to maintain eye contact during every conversation and not to lose focus every five minutes because some people decided that they needed to have a discussion literally one feet away from my desk. Mirroring helps for maintaining conversations. Initiating one is a completely different beast to tackle.

I am happy to have come this far by just identifying and adapting to situations. I am lucky to be in the right career and right mindset. Just not in the right country, I guess.

What the fitness?

Hi, I am 27 and I sprained my shoulder lifting up a bucket of water. And recently, I couldn’t climb twelve floors of stairs without stopping once. I fucked up.

Twelve years ago, I was doing karate three times a week, sometimes playing soccer, was in the national cadet corps and was cycling kilometers to and from school. These days, I am wiped out after 5 PM even though my entire work involves just sitting and coding.

To my body’s credit, I haven’t put up a lot of weight. And all the weight I have gained is in my belly. Just a skinny dude with a paunch. I am against body shaming, but I see all these people at work having a blast working out everyday and can’t help but feel a little ashamed. I don’t really care about looking good or getting buff or being able to run 20 kilometers (like WTF coworkers?). I just want to be able to climb stairs and lift buckets of water.

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Do you even lift bro? I am getting tired lifting my own body weight, mate!

Solo in Siem Reap

Solo in Siem Reap

It’s been a month since I *secretly* traveled to Cambodia. I am lazy with my posts, but better late than never.

2017 had been a shit show for me. Have you heard of the quote “every recall is a re-frame”? It means that every time you recall a memory, you modify something about it, based on the mood that you are currently in, before putting it back into your brain noodle. So, if you think about your darkest times when you are happy, you could possibly make that shitty memory a little bit better. I am no psychologist but I didn’t want to remember 2017 the way it was, I guess. It has always been good for me to do something crazy once in a while. And visiting this place has put me in a good mood for a month.

Anyway, never have I been so excited for my birthday. I wanted it to be memorable and so bought the tickets to Siem Reap couple of months back. Temples, pubs, street food and friendly people all around, I was completely blown away by the experience!

Continue reading “Solo in Siem Reap”

2018

This is it folks! This is MY year, right here.

Not even kidding, I GOT THIS.

Have you ever woken up one day feeling that everything is possible again?

That you can clench your fists tightly again and feel a rush of strength in your body?

I have always thought that a better version of oneself silently exists within, constantly guiding and teaching right from wrong. I feel that I have to become that person now. Is this part of growing up? Am I just another snowflake spewing his own bullshit views over the internet. I don’t give a shit!

I must be growing up.

Till dawn do us part


This is my entry for The Obsessive Writing Challenge – Week 2. I’m coming out of writing hibernation and therefore a little rusty. Actually, I’m completely useless, so please bear with me.


Nothing but moonlight illuminates her, our rooftop and our world. We lie on the floor, staring at countless stars of the night sky. I realize the coolness of the constant breeze as it contrasts the warmth of her head on my shoulder, her hand on my chest, her hair, her smell and her heartbeat. We see planets, jupiter and saturn, right above us, so close that we would be able to hold them like a basketball if we stretched our hands. We talk about us, we talk about life, we laugh.

We always talk for hours till dawn, it’s been our weekly routine for three hundred years, I thought to myself.

“The sun’s here”, she says while lifting her head to look at me. I look at my watch instead.

04:59:59. As I turn to look at her, beep… and then a blinding light engulfs the fully dark sky in a split second and I cannot see her face.

Beep. I wake up, my eyes looking outside my bedroom window. I angrily hit the phone’s snooze button and flip it, so that it’s light wouldn’t bother me again.

Wait… A dream? What was I dreaming about?. A sudden rush of guilt and longing hit me like a brick. “Maybe I can go back… what was I dreaming about?” I shut my eyelids hard trying to remember, trying to get back.

After minutes of trying, I open my eyes. Still looking outside the window, now at the rooftop of the building a block away. A door opens and a figure of a woman frantically paces on the rooftop looking for something.

My heart races, I jump out of the bed, and I shout.

“JUPITER!!”

“Why did I do that?”, I ask myself. She freezes, turns around, looks at me for a couple of seconds, and yells back.

“YES!”

Beep. Something tells me that I should not turn back to snooze the phone.

Beep. Something tells me that I shouldn’t take my eyes off her. We both stood still looking at each other waiting for dawn.

Truth according to the internet, a real-life horror story.

“Don’t believe everything you read on the internet.” ~Abraham Lincoln, 1927

So, imagine for a moment that you are in a quiz show. There is a buzzer in front of you and you are competing with one other person who is standing in the dark. The anchor points right at you and says, “Question 1, What’s his favorite food?”. Before you even begin to think, the other person hits the buzzer and says “It’s spaghetti, he had it eight days back while binge watching Game of thrones. But his selection of porn later that night… now that’s what I would call Stranger things!”. The crowd laughs. The following questions continue to be all about you – what’s in your bank account, your favorite band when you were nineteen… And you always lose and the other person always has the right answer, each time delving into more embarrassing, excruciating personal details.

I was lying. There is no such person in existence, not yet… But there are entities that know more about you than you do – entities that live inside hundreds of thousands of computers owned by different corporations, on large datacenters spread across several continents and some even under water.

There is a data model of you that can accurately define not only your daily life, but also your mind – your passions, religious, political and ideological beliefs.

So, man created Artificial Intelligence (AI) in his own image. And it passes judgement on others, just like people – you and me, who judge others’ lives based on their Instagram or Facebook. But the difference is that the AI has no envy, fear of missing out (FOMO) or subsequent depression.

An AI out there can determine that you suck at grammar, based on your Facebook comments. Another AI out there can predict you that you will gain seven pounds of fat in the next three months and may have a heart attack in the next fifteen years, based on the history of foods that you ordered. There can be an AI out there that can confirm that you cheated on your spouse on “that date and this time”, with your ex boyfriend number three, based on your GPS and heartbeat data. An AI can tell you that someone fancies you, based on the number of seconds they paused on your Instagram photo.

The AIs that I am describing are possible. In fact, not rocket-science and easy to code, if the data is accessible. There are corporations that have this data. Make no mistake, the information collected about you right now, can be worth thousands of dollars over time and costs only a couple of dollars to store it in a hard-disk. It’s never going to be deleted and your grandchildren and their grandchildren will find the models of you on the internet, long after you are gone.

It’s frightening how much of human history is being written by machines.

Some suicide bomber killed hundreds of people in Afghanistan? Oh, it’s not on the first two pages of a Google search? There is no such guy and it didn’t happen, so let’s not talk about it, ever!

But, but, we know what is happening around us. It’s in our memory goddammit! and no AI can rewrite the history in our memory, right?

Wrong. You hate someone, say Donald Trump. You will be bombarded with articles and tweets which claim that he is evil and videos that criticize his every second of existence. The more you read them, you will be offered more of the same, effectively putting you in an echo chamber of people and their thoughts that all seem to agree with you. You subconsciously conclude that everyone in the world share the same view and the history right now matches with what is happening in your mind. Now think about the people who like Donald Trump and imagine the content that is put in front of them by the internet and the echo chambers that their minds live in.

As someone who works in the software industry, I’m sorry to tell you that this is the new normal and we cannot escape it. A part of the world economy depends on our personal data and the time that we spend inside these echo chambers. We are here to feed and be fed by the machines.